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Will be drunk until further notice.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.