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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!