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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.