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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.