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The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.