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Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.