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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.