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Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Your things are terrific.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?