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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.