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Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.