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New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.