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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.