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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it