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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.