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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.