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If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.