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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.