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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
I put the hot in psychotic.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.