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Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
The best things in life require no pants.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.