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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.