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No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.