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Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.