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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.