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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
High-five a veteran today.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords