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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.