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When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.