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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.