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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”