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!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.