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I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?