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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is