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I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.