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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.