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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!