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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I hate when Iām about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.