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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?