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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!