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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.