Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
The secret to success is in my bra.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.