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If you try and donยดt succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: โWell Iโm bored, letโs go brush our teeth.โ
Canโt wait till Iโm old and I can play the โfall asleepโ card in awkward situations.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Asking me if Iโm hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
My wife treats me like a GodโฆShe takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
โStar Warsโ fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new โStar Warsโ movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.