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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.