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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
There`s no WE in pizza.
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.