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How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Your personality needs alcohol.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-