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I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.