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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.