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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time