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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.