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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.