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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers