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Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.