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Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.