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some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today