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Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."