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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)