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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.