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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes