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We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.