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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.